Tuesday 31 May 2011 - snicker snack

Why do they make divorce such a hassle?

I know what you'll say, *puts on snooty, know it all voice*, "It's to ensure that couples only turn to it as a last resort after trying to work out their differences and yes there is a pole up my bum thank you for asking."

BUT these days divorce happens all the time! It's not like ye olden days when you had to work things out or find yourself putting a little rat poison in their coffee as a quick, effective means of instant single-dom. The biggest success most people have in marriages today seems to be in finding the absolute right person to divorce!

Besides marriages are so easy it's no wonder people keep having them! It's like, "Oh darling, we've done the move in together bit, and the get a dog together, accidentally kill it, and dump it by the side of the road bit, hey maybe let's get married!"

And many times keeping two warring people together is, oh gosh, not such a smart idea?

It's easy to say, well make sure you marry the right person, but you know, it's not like that person comes with a tag saying, "Marriageability - 100%". People make mistakes, it happens, let's deal with it!

Okay mostly I'm just gripping because I have no idea how to go about doing mine. Come August we will be a year "separated" and I think it's about time to cut those, drawn out and tatty heart strings! We both have lives we want to live! Things we want to do! Titles we don't want to put in front of our names! (I still blush when I have to write MRS - was only recently I remembered I could also use Ms, oh good grief!)

Here's to finding the right sharp scissors and getting the job done once and for all! AMEN!
>Snip<

Monday 30 May 2011 - Whackjob

Oh hello Monday! Yes, yes, I can hear you tapping on the window, just give me a minute to put my shoes on and I'll let you in!
*DIVES UNDER BED COVERS*

MWA HAHAHAHA!!!

Fooled you! Now you can't come in and upset my delicious weekend equilibrium! Oh the Joy! Oh the Rapture! Oh the... wait a minute, did we lock the door?
Oh no!
No, no, no!!
Eeeeeeeek!!!!!

Drat!!

No Monday, put down that broom! I was just kidding earlier really I...

>WHACK!!!<

>THUD!<

sunday 29 May 2011 - techobabe

My thought of the day is pretty much just that I'm really, really glad I was born in a time of advanced technology! Indoor plumbing; refrigerators; HEATERS... all these sparkly goodies that help make our lives easier, love em to bits!

I once read a book, who's name escapes me, about the man in the moon who came down to earth, but he's not important because on earth, everyone was basically one of two groups, either the elves - who loved nature, or the Sylphs - who loved ideas and thoughts. Naturally there was some bad blood between the two.

I was thinking I'd be in the Sylphs camp. I love nature, it's dandy, where fruit comes from after all!

BUT!

I love farming, and progress and not waking up naked in a forest with thorns in me bum and a wolf staring at me with a "Oh boy! Oh boy! Lunch time!" sort of look.

I'm not saying chop down all the forests and replace them with orchards... hmmmm, it's a thought... I mean, er... I'm just saying that technology, well, it's pretty damn awesome!

Thursday 26 May 2011 - So I've been...

Relabeling all my music! Wahahaha! No longer will I have 18 different songs called 'Track 01.mp3!'

Of course it took me over an hour and now I'm in the kind of pain big, burly, quiet type men in masks get paid to inflict but that's okay, movement is overrated!!

Ow....

Thursday 26 May 2011 - Truthfully

Why is it we get taught from so young, conditioned like little fleshy robots, that some things shouldn't be said even though, perhaps, they need to be said?

"I'm sorry"

"I miss you"

"It was my fault"

"I love you"

"Help"

Wednesday 25 May 2011 - what if

How do you know the right person for you?
Is there even such a thing?
What happens when people change?
Is love eternal or just a once off to hook and pull you in?
Why do things go wrong?
What if the flaw is in you?
What if you die alone?
What if you get a pet and are happier single?
What if I stop asking uncomfortable questions this early in the morning?

Tuesday 24 May 2011 - of use to me

I saw the most nifty multi-purpose knife today and, like an ordinary woman desires shoes, like many a guy desires fast cars and like sheeple desire blackberry's so too did I want this little marvel!

I've always been keen on things that are useful! Tools, clothing, toilet paper and people! My view has always been that my life is good if I am being useful in one way or the other! Tears me up inside when I feel like I'm just an added extra or background deco! No, no, no!!!

And useful things are so cool!! I mean sure, jewelry, sparkly twinkle, you can hawk it but then why buy it, and you can put it on a woman or you can put it on a dog, (And the dog might look more fetching in some cases - she said being a female of said species), but otherwise, what can you do with it?

But useful stuff is always good! I am the wife who would be over the moon to get a vacuum cleaner for her 50th wedding anniversary! (Of course by then I'd be well into my 80's but that's what maids are for!)

Useful things are the gift that keeps on giving! Like nose hair tweezers! Of course they also tend to sometimes be expensive but we've already covered the whole, "Life's unfair, woe art we", so we find ways around that!

What's your latest useful gizmo?

p.s. I do think people get blackberry's mainly to be in the in-crowd, which is sad in an unoriginal sort of way, BUT I will admit the little suckers look pretty useful, so I shall not condemn the device itself! (And that way if I should ever get one I have a nifty loophole!)

Monday 23 May 2011 - The Rapture

Oh! Ooooh!!! Don't you just love that intense feeling of pure bliss, that feeling of Joy. wonder, contentment and peace that comes over you when, after an eternity of struggle, the use of will power above and beyond the call of mankind and an iron clad sense of determination, after all that suffering and hope and desire, you finally, finally, finally get...TO GO TO THE LOO!!!
Oh my word the intense rapture!!! I feel lighter body, mind and soul!!!
Religion just can't compare!!




And yes, I do tend to sometimes over share...

Sunday 22 May 2011 - fun fun!

Now I just don't get people who limit themselves to not doing fun things because society says, "At your decrepit age (usually 14+) it's no longer acceptable because... well because!" You see those kids over there, playing around in the mud and laughing and having a ball? Well you can't do that because you're an 'ADULT'! Go have a drink instead!

Um no!!!

Do you know the stares I get when I'm playing on a swing, kicking off and trying to get some serious height to make my feet touch the stars?! (A lot harder to do in the daytime I might add...)
And why? Because people my age, 'Don't Do That'!

Anime fans worldwide roll their eyes when they try explain the fascination for 'Kids Cartoons'!
Mismatched socks; loving sweets; flowers in your hair or even just enthusiasm get folk all a little hot and bothered under the collar because, again, 'You Don't Do That'!!!

I see adults who have kids enjoying playing around and goofing off and acting child like, safe in the knowledge that anyone looking will assume it's just cause they've got kids and well, kids must be entertained, right?!

Pish posh! YOU need to be entertained as well! Your inner kid is demanding some serious out and about time! No wonder you get so grumpy! When the best "fun" you have is boozing it up and watching sport (Actually participating? Heavens no), or just typing away on your cellphone...shame man, your poor inner child is all but pulling it's hair out and rolling on the ground going, "no, no, no!!!"

And my question is why? Why not?
If it's fun and not hurting anybody, then why the heck not indeed?
Let loose and PLAY a little! You won't regret it, I promise!!
(Well unless you break a bone or something, but then people can sign your cast and I will draw something funny and inappropriate on it!)

Friday 20 May 2011 - boxed out

I'm often told I think out of the box. Truth is I think I lost my box a long time ago. I was an irresponsible kid, I think I put it down somewhere and then forgot to pick it up again! All my nice, neat, regimented thinking was probably then blown away in a strong breeze and now lies at the bottom of a lake somewhere, the home of fish and funny squirmy things!

Can't say I miss it!!

Thursday 19 May 2011 - woohoo!!

It's always nice to have something to be excited about! And there is usually so much out there just dying for you to get excited over it!!

Seriously, I know folk, who shall remain nameless lest they hunt me down and bludgeon me to death with a spade, who seem to feel the only things worth getting hyper over are great events like a ginormous concert or winning the lotto or the second coming! (I'll ignore number 1, take number 2 gratefully and meh to number 3...)

But there's a bunch of little things too! The apple you plan to have for supper tonight (you should see it! Big and red and rosy and smells like heaven!), the hot bath you plan to have (extra bubbles if you'd be so kind), or even the good book you're gonna curl up with before going to bed! (I have three so far, who can read just one? Wait, don't answer that!)

So come now, what excitement is in your life today? Look around I bet you can find at least 3! (If not invite me over and I'll find them for you! :P)

Tuesday 17 May 2011 - thought deux

Well now I can't leave that sorry excuse for a thought of the day up on it's own-some! What if someone susceptible read it and decided life is too cruel and wanted to slit their wrists or hang themselves or worse, watch local TV? I'd have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life! (OR until I forgot and moved on!)

So please do remember that life is worth living even when you've got all sorts of problems up the wazoo! (I think they have creams for most of those anyway...)
There's still always hope! (Thank you Pandora you schmuck...)

BE HAPPY!!!

Tuesday 17 May 2011 - ah bugger

I find folk are often quick to say, "You have a talent, you should use it!" But they never tell me how to go about doing it! The amount of folk who've said I should publish my toons is ego satisfyingly high. The amount who've given me step by step instructions on how to go about it though, well they're just slightly less then zero.

[And google is no help unless I wish to publish my own book, each one costing about R900!! (I've got that cash in my OTHER coat pocket, as to who has that coat...)]

Sometimes in life you have to accept that a talent you have is not going to do diddly for you and can, in fact, often not be seen as a talent at all! (I write better then half the monkey men in magazines but without experience or a nifty diploma, what really does it matter?) < - - rather miffed about this. It seems a waste.

Maybe when I'm dead those who know me can do all that and live off whatever royalties come from it? (And if it flops royally well then, what do I know, I've reincarnated as a sparrow by then!)

Monday 16 May 2011 - dare to compare!

Are you a cat or a dog person? The eternal battle that has raged since the dawn of time continues on today, with both sides equally sure that their animal is the best of the bunch. I figure let's look at the facts here:

Dog:
Loyal
can keep you safe from burglers (or at least annoy them with their yapping)
will eat any and all scraps
will love you even if you abuse him (though you don't deserve it if you do)
can be taught tricks
eager to please
come in a wide variiety of colours, shapes and sizes
can sniff out drugs and explosives
Can be carried in handbags by socialites who need help.

Cat:
Mysterious and sleek
Keeps your home vermin free (often bird free as well)
will love you should he feel you deserve it
can be taught tricks if he decides he wants to learn them
require less space
Can be very loving
easy peasy to house train and generally neat animals
You'll never read in the newspaper of a toddler being mauled to death by the family tabby

So when you tally up those good qualities of each animal and compare them rigorously with each other, the superior animal is very easily spotted!

A hamster!!

Sunday 15 May 2011 - sunnyday

Sundays are just lovely. The frantic needs of going here, there and everywhere of a Saturday have been taken care of, you can sleep well (God, kids and pets willing), and have a whole day truly and utterly to yourself. (Until you get bored and go out to find company...)

I do feel it's a bit sad to only have 2 weekend days out of 7! That would be a fail mark on any test! (Except at some government schools who create people like Doctor Rashid who got 20% biology but is pretty sure he knows where to cut you, ON YA FACE!)

But to me Sunday is always the bestest! No other day has such a warm, relaxing feeling to it. Sunday says, "Goof Off, enjoy life, live!!"

So why am I here, slaving over a hot blog when the whole day is calling to me?!
I'm outta here so fast you won't even realize I'm gon....

Saturday 14 May 2011 - predictably umpredictable!

It is so annoying that life does not give us any real indication of how it's going to turn out! Sure sometimes there are signs which, always in hindsight, you can later say, "Doh!" to, but even then you can still be thrown for a total loop! I fear if there is a grand high deity upstairs, then they might just have a wicked sense of humour!

A cute girl worries she'll lose her looks as she ages, only to be caught in a fire and have to learn to live as a burn victim.

A bloke get's this idea for a funny little skit on the internet, it catches on and he becomes a multi-millionaire!

A loving wife suspects her husband of cheating on her, only to find out that yes he is and with another man!

Life loves throwing curve balls and all you can do is to try your best, not give into foolish temptations and pack extra ammo just in case!

Thursday 12 May 2011 - shear pleasure

So I shaved my head.
I'd like to say this is the first time.
Or even the third. But honesty would yank my chain and gag me on my own spiked collar, so I'll admit this is not a new trend.

But you have to admit a change is as good as a holiday!
(Why do people say that? I mean a holiday is nothing but a change in one form or another, and not everyone enjoys their holidays, esp those that get stuck next to screaming kids who only keep quiet to be carsick *I was that kid*)

But anyway...

I feel that winter is the best time to shave your head. In summer the weather is too hot and makes wearing fashionable beanies a no go, even light hats make your head hot and then you take the hat off and it's baked brains for breakfast!

Winter you get to wear all the wooly headgear you can managed! (Though generally not at the same time, but that's a general guide and not a set rule...)

The only thing not peachy keen about a shaved head is that folk tend to see it as:-

1. "Oh you've just had chemo, you poor thing" < - - rarest and they do seem a tad disappointed when you tell them no, like your health is rather offensive - go stand over there!

2. "Oh hey you look like Sinaed o Conner!" < - - said regardless of whether you do look like her or like a pigs bum, cause hey, your hair is short!

3. "What did you throw a Britney Speares?" < - - hell no, I was shaving my head before she knew which way up a liquor bottle trickles!

4. "Are you a punk or something?" < - - most common. Sometimes I get satanist for variation, depends who's accosting me at the time.

Ironically enough no one has ever said, "Are you like gay or something?" or any less savory version of this. However will I complete my set of inane observations?

Oh and I do have hair, about 2cm worth! I did try bald once but it was scratchy and sweaty and not my cuppa!
Want me to chop a little off the top for you?
BZZZZZZZZZZZZ........

Monday 09 May 2011 - do you freeze what i freeze

How cold it is! How beastly cold! Now more then ever I'd like to have a job where I go to a warm, central heated, office and can whip off my long thick jacket to reveal the mini skirt underneath and twitter gently that, "Teehee, what cold?"

How cruel winter can be!! *Half halfheartedly blows warm air onto brilliant blue fingers*

Saturday 07 May 2011 - The past revisited

I've been keeping a diary since the the 4th of January, of the entire year to date. I like to take it out every now and then and open it at random and read what my thoughts or activities of the day were. They're small sections, only a few lines long, but you can still get an idea of what I was thinking and feeling on that day.
Plus I put a little rating out of 5 as to how good the overall day was.
(5 = awesomeness in a bottle!! 1 = Horror, despair, no clean underwear, etc)

If the day was was worse then the one I'm having right now then I feel a rush of love and sympathy for Jo-of-the-past and feel glad that the problem is over and that we came through shining!

If the day is better then the one I'm having, I feel that the least Jo-of-the-past could have done was avoided this situation, but nooooooo, she had to get me into it! The annoying, over-happy little sod!

Either way it's very satisfying.

Thursday 05 May 2011 - mixing it up

Why is it, when you buy a pack of mixed something or others, say salad veggies, there are never enough of your favorite goodies in them?

And then they overload you with the one thing you really, really dislike. In my case it's celery! It's all I ever find, they should call it celery salad and not "Minestrone soup mix" unless Minestrone means celery in Cocknbullese?

Now I know celery is a cheaper veggie then my much loved beans, but I think, when it's a mix, they should at least try for a 50/50 approach. Why do I never get the packets bulk loaded with tons of tasty white beans?
*Mumbles about conspiracies involving veggies,Osama and jellyfish*

Mind you today they went easy on the celery and nuked me with so much onion I smell like a Steers burger! (I was going to say a Macdonald's burger but those just smell like boiled cat.)

Well that's the last of my salad finished as I typing this. Tomorrow I think I'll make my own. Heavy on the goodies!
Take that celery!!!

Wednesday 04 May 2011 - a moments slience

Today is National Star Wars Day! May the 4th be with you!!

Tuesday 03 May 2011 - sing it!

Do you ever get songs stuck in your head and then just can't get them out, so you sing them over and over and over again, which would be okay if you sort of knew even a few of the words?
Today it was 'Glory glory Hallelujah' that got stuck in! Like I know any of the lyrics! It ended up something like:-

My eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the hoards
they have packages and parcels and squeaky clean white boards
They don't know where they're coming from
or where they're going to
But still they're passing through!
Tra la la la la la!

Glory glory hallelujah!
I think I have to get a ruler!
Who knows what's going on
But the truth, it is too long!

The lunch time version of this is just too goofy to write down but I like to think that it was catchy as well! I suspect most of my "rewrites" are, the originals are so stodgy, don't you think!
You should hear my version of "Joy to the world!"....

Tuesday 03 May 2011 - Agh no man!

Nuts!
That's always how I feel when April, with all it's shiny, fine and dandy public holidays, draws to a close, and I know that the next batch of feel-good, fun free days are only there, somewhere, in December.

It's not that people have to go back to work, or that I have to still hunt for a job or that all the good times and lazy day after lazy day are over it's that....
No wait that's it exactly!

BRING BACK THE HOLIDAYS!!!