Thank you

A couple folk have asked me why I bother doing Community Service if, I quote, “you don’t have to?” My company offers you points for your Community service but I don’t qualify until next year, so really, why should I bother until then?

I’ll tell you why.

A year ago I came out of a bad marriage. I was shattered and insecure. Depressed and terrified. I had no job, having been a housewife for the last ten years, no experience or impressive qualifications. I was about to lose the roof over my head and I was sharing food with my pets to make ends meet. One of my top ten moments in life this really wasn’t.

But then a wonderful friend, a knight in shining armour (Or at least a nicely polished car), came to help me out. This was a guy whom I’d chatted to on a social network and only met once or twice. Rob opened his heart and his home and took me in when other people told him what he was doing was naïve, foolish and potentially the stupidest thing he’d ever done. And that was just the good things they said!

I got a little room to myself and helped out financially where I couldn’t pay it back a cent. I had nothing but my company to offer. No money! Can you imagine? Who’d take in someone like that? They probably deserve it!

I was seen as some dark temptress who had lured this innocent person into taking me on. Some spider who would suck his very life juices dry. When you’re already dealing with a heap load of hurt, insecurity and confusion this doesn’t really make you feel top of the pops.

But then, thanks again to another friend’s charity and willingness to let me try my hand at something new, I managed to get a job! An actual real job! And it became permanent! I could finally pay my way! Do you have any idea how much of a head rush that was? Hell still is! I go to work each day thrilled!! I love it!!!

And I can’t ever forget what it was like to have that hand offered to me when I was so low and pathetic.

So why do community work if you ‘Don’t have to?’

Because you never, ever know the influence you might have on a person’s life by giving what you can to those who desperately need it! I’ve been there, I know the terror and hopelessness they feel, when people look down on them and they start wondering why they should bother to draw breath anymore? I was ‘them’ just a few months ago!

It’s a little bit of time and effort. It’s giving back to not only help repay the enormous karmic debt I have but to maybe add enough to other peoples’ lives, people who’ve had it far worse then me! (I never kid myself into thinking I’ve had it the hardest, oh hell no!!)

A little hope, a little compassion, you’d be surprised how far these things go. When people don’t automatically judge you because of your “low” station in life. When they just genuinely want to help you! I needed it back then and now I can do the same for others! How frikkin awesome is that?!?!

In my books there will never ever be a time when I ‘Don’t have to’ help someone else if I can! And the fact that I can… Cor Blimey… just shows how wonderfully life can turn out when someone takes a few moments to care!

So screw points and weak excuses and lily white hands! I’m here and I’m ready to get my hands dirty and my nose sunburnt for my fellow human being!

Let’s do this thing!!

Half baked

Why do they say 'easy as pie'?
How is pie so easy that it got that distinction?

Have you tried baking a pie?

It’s actually one complex little pastry! There's no combining of ingredients, dashing it into a pan and baking it to a delicious death black. It's a small science of getting the base just right, mixing the right fruity mix (or meat if you’re so inclined) and popping the crusty lid on and baking it an even golden brown!

Surely it should be as easy as say, pancakes! Or toast! Or something that is well, easy to make!

 (I'm pretty sure they also don't mean 'as easy as Pi' cause that takes the saying to whole new decimal point of uncertainty!)

Best I can recommend is gathering up a furrowed brow, a calculator and tasty baked good and then sitting back and pondering this interesting piece of Pie-losophy!

Crank them sunbeams up a notch!

Think about your average pessimist.

Their premise for being all sour and glower is that, "If I expect the worse to happen, then if it does I knew it was coming, and if it doesn't, then I'm happy because it was unexpected."

What a load of crock!

The average pessimist looks for the bad in everything!! They’re persistent little buggers that never know when to quit!

 And when they find anything less then wonderfully blissful they're like, "Haha, yay! This world is every bit as crappo as I thought!" and when something good happens they're not suddenly all daffodils and light, they're more, "Please it was a freak occurrence, pot luck, won't happen again!" or they get all disbelieving and end looking up it’s skirt to see where the catch lies!

Now see every pessimist I ever met told me they were a realist.

What reality exactly though they forget to mention!

 So this is my view on why being an optimist thrashes pessimism into the ground!

 (Oh and first off, don't think I mean those madly crazy, suspiciously American looking, optimists who are being held over a flaming pit and still think, "Hey at least I'll feed a bunch of starving cannibals!", there are limits to everything!)

But mr / ms. average optimist simply hopes for the best and enjoys the journey to find out!

And we ARE NOT flaming loons of cheer and psychotic good will, we do know that the worse can happen and that it’s good to be prepared all the same.  But see why, oh why, if you cant see the future, be glum your whole life expecting tragedies that seldom happen? Why not be happy and hope for the best and keep your spirits up? That way if the best happens then it just continues the awesome vibes and if the worst happens then at least you had all that fun and calm before hand! Why get the worst AND still have a lousy time waiting for it?

My point exactly!!

 Optimists are fun to be around! They bounce back from the bad better (and use fantastic alliteration!), they keep your spirits up, they’re willing to continue believing in the awesomeness of the world, they make you smile and feel good about yourself and they’re usually a lot of fun to beat at cards!

Look, we optimists have times when we're pessimistic as well, such is life, no one is 100 000% pessimistic or optimistic, we vary. But when optimistic, it's so much easier to shake off the blues and carry on appreciating the miracle of life regardless of the setbacks! Moping is not something we turn into a marathon sport! The blues; feeling angry; feeling depressed, yes we have those but we shake em faster, we get up faster, we dust off faster and ON WE GO!!!

So how about giving it a try for a month or so? Doing a mental 180 if you’re part of the frown club?

 Try to see the silver lining as much as possible! Don't beat yourself up for mistakes you make, accept others make mistakes too and aren't really out to get you, and that there is a heck of a lot of good that get's overlooked when you’re nose deep in looking for the bad and ugly! Traffic happens, it won’t go away. Stupid people out number you 20 to 1, they won’t go away. Why stress over what you can’t change! There are so many ways you can make your life a little bit extra creamy by just looking out for the good rather then the bad!

WARNING!!!!

It’s a highly addictive way of living and life is going to become a hell of a lot more fun! So maybe don't try it if you want to end up wasting your life as the ultimate sourpuss who yells at little kids and has more wrinkles on his face the a sharpie on its foldy butt! Optimism isn’t for the dead at heart!!!

Otherwise, well duh, what are you waiting for?!?!

Fine day today? Um no thanks

I was just wondering: - why do they call it a traffic fine?
I mean if you think about it, it's hardly 'fine'! It's actually very horrid! It means your handling of traffic was anything but 'fine'!
In fact pretty much where ever the word 'fine' is used as a noun implies that you're about to lose money and that you're not going to feel 'fine' for a while!!!
Just saying...

Of moving onwards

Don't you think a large amount of people's unhappiness comes from the fact that they forget that life is always changing? They have a set of expectations and damn me Willikers if they don't come true and come true now!

We all know that change is the only constant in life, yet when it happens to us, gosh, don't we fight it tooth and nail!!

We like to remind folk that nothing lasts forever, but usually only when they're having a rough time of it. (Which admittedly is when they need to remember it most!).  We pat them on the back, buy them a drink (The cheap stuff, they're depressed and won't notice) and tell 'em to stick with it because it will all be over soon.

However we forget the same is true for the good stuff as well. We seem to deem it our natural right that when we have something awesome, like a loving relationship; a great job or fabulous hair, it should, naturally, last for all eternity!

Guess what? No it doesn't.

Now you're sitting there and thinking, well geez, thank you for reminding me about that, thanks a bloody lot!

But what I'm trying to point out here (And Ta, you're welcome, you sarcastic git), is that we get unhappy simply because we get fixated on this, 'Life must be perfect and go how I expect it to mentality.

Life is not fair. Yes you know that, but do you actually accept it deep down in the meaty valves of your heart?

We also end up so expecting the great stuff that when we have it we don't even give it the attention it deserves, we even take it for granted, and then, POOF, it disappears and suddenly oh no, how hard done by are we, how sad, how pitiful, life sucks eggs!


Nope it doesn't, it's just not something you can control, and you forgot that.

So I'm thinking, I do that a lot, why not try to see life as a series of lessons that come and go? Something you can learn from? Even the best things in life don't last. But that's no reason to go hide in a dark corner and rock! If anything it's a precious realization that helps us fully enjoy the good AS WE HAVE IT RIGHT THIS SECOND!


Imagine living each experience whole-heartedly because you know it won't last forever? Adore your partner more because one day they might not be there! Love your kids because one day they'll be teenagers and it's illegal to strangle them! Heck, just really enjoy your supper because once it's eaten it's eaten and what are the chances anyone will get the cauliflower this tender again?

Expectations are all good and well, but maybe remember that there is a chance things won't go as planned and that's okay too! Enjoy your experiences, they are uniquely yours, for better or worse.
Or better again!

Related

Does anyone else find it funny that we go home to watch (bought/downloaded and/or pirated) movies, of people who live their lives specifically NOT watching series or movies of any kind?

Seriously, think of your favorite program. How often do those characters you admire, (oh you do and you know it!), just sit about and watch telly for hours like you do?

Just a thought.

Expexted the unexpect... blah blah etc

Sometimes the best thing to do in life is not to dream.

WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! I'm not being morbid or morose or more... not happy, this is a positive thing, just bare with me!

See I've noticed that a lot of unhappy folk are generally unhappy due to their unfulfilled "dreams".

They planned to have a high paying job by 25, a family by 30, retire by 35 and die in a mass orgy with many a nubile wench after a long and luxurious life.
So they do tend to get a bit put off when things don't go as planned.

And this happens a lot! People can get just as unhappy when they're not married by age 30 as they can be at hoping to eat a fish salad and ending up with a chicken one! It's like, "Oh woe is me! Life is cruel because, although I have everything else, I didn't get my fish salad! It hates me!" and the other cries of the sort of victim you tend to think twice about socializing with.

The fact is we come to expect certain things to happen in a certain way because that is what we want! But life doesn't always, or sometimes ever, play that way and what you are now might be nothing at all like you hoped and dreamed you'd be however many moons ago in the past.

The difference between happy people and miserable people is that happy people are flexible.
So I'm not a millionaire....yet. I have my health and loving friends and a hamster!
So I didn't get the promotion, there's always next time.
So I didn't get my sex change operation, I still look great in dresses.
(It's about time I mention that these are generalizations and don't all apply to me because otherwise I'd have some bigger issues then I realized...)

Happy people can hope for more but also be happy with what they have so that, should the more not go according to plan, well damn, the ride was still awesomely fun hey?!

Sometimes your dreams actually get in the way of finding and being the person you were meant to be. You have to know what dreams are worth hanging onto, and which should be set free. Tricky yes, but you usually get a few hints along the way. (Like when you're nose starts falling off, that might be a small hint that you've had enough plastic surgery already!)

Living life with a few less expectations of what you think you deserve or what you think should happen, is going to remove that bowling ball of stress you keep all wrapped up in your intestines! Because as we all know, whether we'll admit it or not, life is going to happen to you regardless of what you expect!
*
*
*
* So did you expect that all then? :P

Tick tock Clarice... sorry Jovvi

Being a temp worker is strange. It’s like not really being there, or existing, in the eyes of most permanent employees. It’s the knowledge that one day they will come to work and you won’t. You have an expiry date and they can scent it and it makes their little herbivore hearts race. You’re sort of like the penguin in a flock of flamingos, and when the iron deficient baboon of unemployment comes a-hunting, you’re the one with the flightless flippers. (Though to be fair you’re also the cutest of the lot but that doesn’t stop you being gnawed by the cruel gnashers of fate, which make it a pretty useless skill level…)

Oh it’s not like folk aren’t friendly or that you sit there in a dark, dank corner with “TROLL” scrolling across your forehead, it’s just a general atmosphere and feeling. I find it takes rather a while for folk to warm to you and usually by the time they’re starting to be able to differentiate you from the toilet paper, you’re almost done with your time there and then the only thing you can do is steal said bog roll and make them feel your loss that much more keenly!

And its tough being a temp! You have to learn a whole bunch of new names, faces and odd places, only to get picked up and whisked away to somewhere new and another whole bunch of people to meet, greet and forget when you run into them on the streets in 5 months time.

The plus side of being a temp is also the minus side. The moving. It’s a big ass plus if you get put in a job that even a retarded chimp would turn his runny nose up to. Then you knuckle down, wait it out and run for sweet Georgia freedom when the warning bells sound! But it’s a minus when you find something you really enjoy doing and they still pass the pink slip and send you on with a jaunty wave and a smile.

It’s a very unstable life. It makes you feel like a gypsy who sets up camp somewhere new, does a jolly jig to make the towns folk happy, and still get chased out of the village when they feel your times up or suspect you’re get steamy with the Mayor’s youngling!

Well I still have time here at the job I’m doing, so for tonight let’s keep the camp fire burning and put on the good canned beans to simmer! For now I guess, that’s just fine.

hath no fury like

Okay, now I don’t have a particular religion, this allows me to look at all religions with an unbiased eye and decide what I like about them and what I think is “Oh my word people are daft enough to believe that?”.

One thing I don’t get in a few popular religions is the whole concept of hell.

I mean basically most gods are portrayed as loving gods who love their little humans regardless of our faults and flaws.

Why ever then would this loving being create a hell? Or allow one to exist? (The critter made everything in existence and is all powerful so if any hell exists it's there only with his/her/its say so.)

I find that sort of thinking a bit dodge. Makes me glad to be a heathen and out of that karmic loop right there!

I think, if there is a god, he/she/it is probably a jolly nice person with an excellent sense of humour (Just think of the platypus or the funny faces people pull during sex, I mean come on, there’s someone who likes to laugh!) And I don’t think said creator would be a meanie and punish their bad followers or non followers in a hell for all eternity. The being is all powerful for goodness sake! I don’t see it snapping it’s non existent fingers in time to the rhythm of people's screams, snickering, "I gave you free will and now I'm punishing you for using it!"

Beliefs are good and well and spirituality is just dandy, but I think, if at all possible, for your own sanity and respect to the powers that be, maybe try avoid organized religion, it just messes with your head!

And if you just ignore everything I said here then fine, whatever, go to hell!
:P

Of Vim and Vigour! Or not!

Sunday!

There's no better day to do all those wee chores you were planning to! Tidy your room, clean the kitchen, draw some cartoons and get your bits and bobs in order! There's really no better time for it!

Which is really utterly too bad because i spent today, the WHOLE day, lounging about and goofing off in a way that would make the moss that grows in sloth's fur even more green with envy!!
I tell you the hardest thing I did all day was decide what to eat for lunch and if I should polish my left toenails first, or my right? (I chose left, I seem to have a natural bias to that direction, left always seems more quirky then stodgy old right, don't you think?)

I chatted on the net, drank water (when I finally convinced myself to get up and pour it) and started watching Sabrina. I tell you, it takes it out of you! I'm completely ravished! I need to sit down... oh wait... I am...

Tomorrow is Monday! Up at 4am, exercise, catch the train, walk, work, walk, more work, walk, another train, and home again, home again, Jiggity Jig!

And that rather alarming pattern shall be 5 days in the making!
Can you blame me for wanting to do nothing with all the energy I can muster?

But that's about all I can say for defending my deliciously wicked ways, any more is added brain power I'm saving for a special occasion (maybe Wednesday).

Enjoy the last of your Sunday, I know I will! ^_-

Fight fight fight!

Life.
Can be a real bastard sometimes.

For me it loves to take what I think I know of the world, (especially when I'm starting to feel stable and steady on my hooves) and giving it all a good bone rattling shake that spills all the wisdom from the cup of my brow absolutely everywhere so that it ends up just another stain on my fluffy carpet of existence.
It's very annoying.

I believe in being optimistic. I feel that change - when it has to come barging in like a whirlwind of 'HA! bet you didn't see that coming?!' - generally leads to something better.

But sheesh now again?! I haven't had enough big bastards barging in already? Apparently not..

I sadly admit that getting through this change and moving forward again... well it's gonna take a lot of effort, hopeful thinking, friendly hugs and soft, 2ply tissues. *sniff*

I know this will blow over and that one day I'll look back with a wry smile and sympathy for Jovvi-in-the-now, knowing it was meant to be and meant to happen and other very peppy sounding platitudes spouted in books written by Doctors with dodgy degrees and large followings of devoted female acolytes.

But until that happens I think I'm going to mope for a bit, nurse my wounds, put sad, sappy music on and drench my sleeves in eye fluids.

But I still feel like munching on an apple. So see, it can't be all that bad right?

I saw a film about this once...

Hollywood has made love out to be something it can't ever hope to be. A 100% cure all, a triumph-er over lesser worldly needs, an almighty cosmic force that banishes all your troubles and woes in it's wake. How strong! How noble! How divine!
And admittedly when you first fall for someone that's exactly what it feels like! You're on top of the world, life is yours for the taking and you are going to take it with savage impunity!!!!

Problem is in Hollywood, after the lovers get together that's pretty much it. The show ends and everyone lives on in celluloid happily ever after. Maybe popping up in a sequel with a quick tiff that's easily solved and back to the loving mosh pit they go!

In real life though, we carry on. We put one foot in front of the other and we live, day in and day out and if we're lucky then love becomes part of our lives and we get to look at our partner, so many days, months, years down the line and remember why we love them so much, even though they do leave the toilet seat up or forget to turn off the freaking tap how-hard-can-it-be?!

And if we're not so lucky then things begin to fray. Other needs begin to wear down love, other things begin to latch on and suck the life out of it with vampiric glee. And one day you wake up and you realize that love, gorgeous thing that it is, isn't enough! Not on it's own! It needs support from other facets in your life, and when instead those facets turn on it, no amount of love and warmth and cuddles will be able to over come it.

Okay yes, this does sound awfully morbid. But the facts remain the facts. Love is powerful and it can do amazing things!! It can also fail. It can wither. It can even die. Whether or not we are ready for it!

~~~BUT!~~~

Life does bring changes, and sometimes those changes are scary and fierce looking and we shiver so mightily in our little yellow boots, but that doesn't mean it's not for the good! Even the greatest tragedy will have some some good come from it! Even the saddest grave site can still grow flowers!

And so maybe love wasn't strong enough THIS TIME, well you know what? There is always a next time! We cut our painful loses and we try move on as best we can, scarred, battered and bruised but wiser too. Because who knows, maybe next time is our time! And we'll "get lucky" and love will, in that instance, be exactly right and exactly enough! We blaze with hope even when we think we can't hope anymore, because of maybe. If and maybe!!

Please god maybe!!

*Screen fades to black, roll credits*

I wonder

Why do people always say, when miffed at a fellow human being, or item that is not playing along with their plans, "What a pain in the ass!!"

Why the ass?
Why does that rather unfortunate piece of anatomical equipment always have to be the one hurting over things?

Why not a pain in the elbow? Or heart? Or the head?

What is this fetish with rear end agony?
What did your butt ever do to you?

I should never have taken Philosophy in Uni...

Sensory underload

The first thing you notice is the noise.
But it's not noise like you know.
It's so different you can't think of it as noise.
It's just not....proper.

The darkness isn't complete yet you don't open your eyes to alleviate the blackness because, for a while at least, you know that would do more harm then good. And besides, it's so much more fun in the dark!

All around you is a warmth so akin to your skin it feels as though it too doesn't exist, yet only one subtle movement will instantly remind you that its there.

There is no scent.
No sound.
No taste.
No touch.
No sight.
You're totally deprived of your senses.
Vulnerable, yet you feel secure and safe.

For a moment you just hang there perfectly.

But then the need to breath harries you,violently shakes your lungs till you have to give in and come back up out of the bath water gasping, head capped in white frothy bubbles.

Again!!

Sick in the Bed

Oh dear! 4 days in and I still have lively coughing and a voice that has gone south for the winter! (Mind I can talk, I just sound like maybe I've been rather badly concealing the fact that I'm a teenage boy who's voice has finally bRoKeN...)

You never, ever appreciate your health quite so much as when you're sick! Suddenly you remember romping through meadows (a classic one with green, green grass and little wee dandelions all about - let's do this right), taking in deep lungfuls of air without then coughing and hacking them up, breathing through your nose without sounding like a blocked loo pipe...
Such magical moments!

And now you sit, huddled in a ball of sniffly misery, and wonder if life will ever be that way again? Or if you're doomed to spend an eternity with a body that does the Rumba each time you try breath in and a nose that runs so much it holds a record in the 100m dash!

You then compliment yourself on you're talent for extreme melodrama!

So to everyone out there who's a little under the weather and not up to 100% on the fuel gauge, here's to a speedy recovery! For ALL of us!!
*COUGH!*

You like, I like

Isn't it strange how some people can love, adore, worship something and others will just look confused, pull faces or say, with a barely concealed sneer, "No. Thank. You."
We're all human and wired up pretty much the same way, but boy oh boy can we like different things!

Like I love brussel sprouts, always have! As a kid that marked me as queer (odd not gay but you knew that so quit snickering) and as an adult it's still something people find odd. I can't imagine why, they taste so yummy!

But then I find there are people out there who love avocados! I kid you not! Something I don't even see as a food source and they're chomping it down on bread or as guacamole and they don't even grimace when they do! Oh how the mind boggles! How can you do that to your tastebuds? Have you no shame?!

I always wonder to what purpose that is though? Why do some like x and others like y and a few twisted individuals form the cult of z?

Sure you could say it's environmental issues, genetic swerves, how you were brought up or that traumatic event with the Vaseline when you were 12, but my question is more, why do humans vary so much? A survival trait? A natural quirk? Boredom till someone says, "Oh bob, lets try eat the cat!"

I suspect it's because the 'Powers That Be' enjoy being entertained! Us humans are a quirky lot! I suspect if I was a deity I could watch us people for millennia! (Then get bored, wipe us out and bring back the dinosaurs! T-Rex, Raaawr!!!)

Well I guess I don't mind. If you're love of avos keeps you from eating all the things I want, or your love of blue means I get to buy the last green scarf, well then hey, all's well that ends well!
*shoves plate of avo slices as far from her as humanly possible*

To choose to choose

So of course, after yesterdays hail / sleet / snow, I am some what nervous about going outside. Freezing my digits off has never been a hobby of mine! (Passing interest maybe but no, not a hobby!)

Right now it's the urge to walk and go outside and see the world and stretch my muscles and have some human interaction where a face and not a screen answers back to me
VS
Stay home, stay warm, munch too much, chat on the computer and did I mention STAY WARM?!

It's quite the epic struggle! There's pros and cons for both sides and each are willing to fight dirty to win!

What would you do in my place? <--- And then I'll just pick the other choice because being contrary is most enjoyable as well!

In the land of Nod

Why do we dream?? Place your answer in the form of a question and no longer then 50 words!

Seriously though, I know it's something to do with our brains random firing of synapses because we're asleep and either it's clearing it's self out or is just bored or some such. I just wonder what gets it all going and why some dreams make a spooky lot of sense and others are just mumbo-jumbo. How some really do seem to tell the future and others let you know how you'd react if you suddenly turned into a giant omelet. (I'd be pretty good except if I had Green peppers in...)

Oneirology is the scientific study of dreams. They've not been able to say exactly why we dream either, though they speculate a lot and draw a decent salary each month.

Last night I was dreaming I was a character in Buffy the Vampire slayer and I was getting advice on treating werewolf bites. (Somewhere along the lines of "tough luck you're so screwed!!") It was terribly entertaining and it was rather annoying when my body insisted we get up before the alarm went off. (I put the most annoying music I could find as my alarm on my cell. Come tiredness, come illness, come being dead, I WILL get up before that horrid noise goes off! *wipes froth from mouth*)

I dream in colour. (someone once told me you dream in black and white, but I suspect they were the sort who also believe goldfish have 7 second memories and that if you put milk outside it's fairies and not feral cats that drink it and leave fur floating.)

I always wonder if comatose people dream? Do they live long, long drawn out dreams? Or bits and pieces of scattered dreams? Or do they blank out and wake up 50 years later feeling a bit stiff and wondering where the long flowing white beard came from? (especially if they're female...)

My dreams tend to stick to the Sci-fi / fantasy / real life with a twist genre. I've had barely one or two prophetic dreams and if I've had an erotic dream, I wasn't there to see it! (I also seldom dream of fruit, hamsters or socks which just goes to show how wacky our brains can be!)

What did you dream last night?

True story 101

Don't you hate it when you get out of the bath and try to put your undies on only to find you put them on inside out?
So you try pull them off without the bathmat sliding out from underneath your feet and then they get all rolled up and bunchy and you suddenly understand why "getting your knickers in a knot" would be such a bad thing!
And then you're clutching the side of the bathtub because that mat is seriously unstable and trying to 'swish and flick!' your undies unraveled, which then do, eventually, in their own sweet time, and then you have to get them back on again only you're losing your balance because you're kinda cold now and more then a tad bit naked, so you shimmy into them as best as possible praying not to fall over or slip and conk your head, because you know, the bathroom door is locked and who knows how long it will be before someone notices you're missing and you're busy drowning in a pool of your own juices and then they have to get the door chopped down by husky firemen who will get to see you in a condition you were last in the day you were born and all they while you're there knowing that this is one thing you'll never be able to explain to the paramedics...

Momentus

Isn't there that all over delicious feeling when you keep thinking the day is Monday only to be joyfully reminded over and over that no, it's Wednesday!! Aaaaah!! I so often get it muddled up the other way round! >_<
I think today is filled with extra positive potential just because of that!
Off to make some memories!!!

Public Holidayay!!

Public holidays are grand things! Marked out carefully on calendars and watched by reddened, stress-filled eyes as they come closer and closer to breaking the monotony and releasing us from our constraints for 24 hours of blessed freedom!

I will admit I seldom actually take notice of what the day is supposedly celebrating:- Youth Day, Woman's Day, Baboon's Backside Day... it's all good my side as long as I get the holiday and all it's perks! This might seem a bit apathetic but I like to think my joy and blissful state still add to the world's karmic bounty as a whole, sort of like a Get-out-of-jail-free card!

One of the best parts of a public holiday is being able to sleep late! Remember that? Where no alarm clocks are involved and the city won't go into crisis because you caught an extra 40mins REM time? Of course you never do get the extra Z's because you always wake up normal time anyway, (you pre-programed robot you!), or get squashed beneath pets demanding breakfast, kids demanding breakfast or a partner demanding, well, sometimes breakfast...

I do remember once, back in my day when dinosaurs roamed and unicorns frolicked, how a public holiday used to be a BIG THING!!! You had to do your shopping the day before because all the shops would be closed up tighter then a ninja's fist, and if you suddenly ran out of toilet paper you had to hope either your neighbours were the giving sort or that you had the bowel-muscle control of a God!

Back then we didn't plan to sit around talking to friends and drinking beer! A public holiday was time to do chores about the household that hadn't you hadn't managed to get around to yet! Then the public holiday dawned and we spent it mostly talking to friends and drinking beer.
Some traditions have stood the test of time.

But still! Regardless of how you spend the day, at the end of it all you still get to sit back and relax and know you managed to pull one off over "The Man!" (Even if technically 'He' let you have this holiday and you really don't get a say in the matter. Technicalities are overrated.)

So here's to public holidays and all the glorious inactivity they inspire!
Happy Baboon's Backside Day!!
CHEERS!!!

How I see it is...

Let's see:-

a. Scenario 1

You missed your morning coffee - How am I supposed to function?!?!
*You got stuck in traffic - Come on already, MOVE!!!
*Some twit pulled in front of you missing your car by this [ ] much - F$%^& moron!!
*your boss is yelling - JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!!!
*you forgot to pack lunch - Well I might as well starve! I'm too fat anyway!!
*the day seems to be going too slowly - Why god, why?!
*you have to pick your kid up from after school activities - Again? This is the third time in a row!
*your partner is feeling grumpy - oh? Now it's my fault?!
*you forgot to buy milk for cereal tomorrow - Well shi....!!!
*the electricity goes out - What the hell do we do now?! I frikkin hate the power company! My series was on!! Bloody hell!!!

RESULT - you go to bed feeling very very hard done by, your life sucks, the world is cruel, F it all to hell!!!


a. Scenario 2

*You missed your morning coffee - so have fruit juice instead
*You got stuck in traffic - and got to hear 3 more chapters of your audio book
*Some twit pulled in front of you missing your car by this [ ] much - man you have good reflexes!
*your boss is yelling - but when isn't he? You're doing your best he needs to relax!
*you forgot to pack lunch - time to spoil yourself with a bought lunch, something extra naughty, hehe!
*the day seems to be going too slowly - plenty of time to get everything done and then some!
*you have to pick your kid up from after school activities - It's so awesome they're so active!
*your partner is feeling grumpy - extra cuddles and warm bath are just what the doctor ordered for you both!
*you forgot to buy milk for cereal tomorrow - Experimental Breakfast Sandwich Time! I wonder if cocoa pops go well with mayonnaise?
*the electricity goes out - Family story telling time and a delicious early night's sleep!

RESULT - You go to bed with a laugh and a sigh, my my, life does like to be tricky! But tomorrow will be better and this pillow is so comfie!!!

Life is not so much about what happens to you, but how you interpret it!

Monday 01 August 2011 - Really Early Bird

And so it happens, your eye's open with a near audible 'POP' and you think to yourself, "Woohoo!! It's a new day! I'm up! I'm alive! I'm ready to make this day sing soprano for me!!"

And then you bounce out of bed, slam the light on, cringe a few minutes as your eyes adjust, because it's ALWAYS brighter then you expect it to be, and fling open your cupboard to find something comfie to wear, avoiding a small avalanche of shoes in the process! (You can't have too many shoes, it's a biological fact!)

You slide on all your clothing in random order, whisk yourself to the kitchen and nosh down on a flavourful breakfast! (May I recommend very ripe bananas? They're the gods' gift to mornings!)

Then you gather all your goodies together, bid your warm, odd-smelling nest goodbye and head on outside feeling rather light headed with the adventure of it all.

Only to realize it's looking rather dark.

And your tummy gives an uneasy flippity-flop as your eyes try frantically to tell you a satisfactory story on why it's so dark.
Surely that's a street lamp and not a star? Um, it could be an eclipse? Doesn't it get darker in winter? If I just blink hard enough...

And you look at your cellphone (who wears a watch-a-ma-call-it these days?), and realize that yes, it's 3am, congratulations on having a few extra hours in the morning!

So you go back inside and you wonder.
You can't really go back to sleep because you're in all your natty clothing for the day. You can't really head off early to the office / shops / urologists, because no one is open this early. If you're lucky you have a good book to read, a blog to update or a facebook game that require 15 more points to get to level 'no-else-cares'.

It's an odd sensation.
But sort of nice.
Like you're the only person alive in the world!
Ok, also sort of creepy.

What then, my little friend, do you do with those extra hours?

Friday 29 July 2011 - added extras

Why are fancy clothes always so uncomfortable? *Wriggles around madly looking oddly like a dog scootering about who has worms*

Great high heels that make your calves look like sculptured steel also make your feet feel like they're caught in a sentient bear trap that's taking a good gnaw or your flavourful flesh!!
A nice, smart blouse constantly itches your back between the shoulder blades like a 4 year old pulling on your skirt going, "Look! Look! Loooooook!" and the skirt itself rides up here and down there and goes places no skirt should go without first buying you dinner and a movie!

Some people put on makeup, usually women but goths and metro-sexual males as well, but I steer clear of the stuff! Makes my skin feel ghastly and I always worry about the mass lipstick intake I gobble down whenever I smile, talk or breathe. And then something small gets in your eye, only you can't rub it cause you'll muss your eyeliner and powders and unguents and stuff, so you go around blinking furiously looking like a pirate with a facial tick!

And then jewelry? Oh hell no! Especially necklaces. I tend to fiddle with them and half strangling myself with a faux ruby choker! Or I forget I'm wearing it and you hear the chain musically snap as you wrench your shirt off in enthusiastic abandonment! And dangly earrings look great, right until they snag on your shoulder and you walk around like Quasimodo's lop-sided sister!

Man, people should hire you for your skills and your savvy! (I put that last one in because I don't have that many skills but I still want to be hired!). They shouldn't hire you for how well you fill in a tight, perky top or Armani suit!

So saying let me go get ready for my interview!
Now where is that sexy, perky, tight top of mine...

Thursday 28 July 2011 - could I have a moment of your time?

What is your purpose in life? What were you, specifically, put on earth to do? What are you striving towards? Are you going to finish that or can I have it?

You know I was thinking,(it's a hobby of mine), about Jehovah witnesses. You know, those bandy legged women and intense starved men who stop you in the street with pamphlets and a foam encrusted smile. We've all been there, done that, ducked into an alley till they're thrown off the scent...

And for once it wasn't just thinking of them in the 'haha-those-guys-need-a-life-and-a-clue' kind of way. (Though that did pop up for a bit, I had to be true to form.)

I've just noticed that people who feel they have a purpose in their lives tend to be a bit happier then those who feel they don't. They have a sense of security while others drift about, never sure what to do or who to do it with (or sometimes to...)

Granted many of these purposeful people can get self righteous and tend to be rather aggressive, ahem... sorry... assertive, in pushing their views on others so that on principle we learn to dislike them and avoid anyone who looks a bit too keen to have "a moment of your time?"

But it's still nice to belong to a group. Everyone wants to belong. Even those who don't want to belong, want people to know they belong to the group that doesn't belong! I know because I belong there! Haha, see? You noticed me! You noticed me!!!

Life without some sort of aim can get a bit blah and pedantic after a while. You sort of feel like you're swimming in molasses, sort of going no where slowly and just ending up in a sticky, pointless mess at the end.

Mind people also don't need that much to feel they have a purpose! Sometimes just setting small goals for yourself is enough! You want to get further at work, find the love of your life, make your children happy, weed the garden or marry the goat, whatever takes your fancy. It still gives you a feeling of going somewhere and doing something!

Because we all need something in our lives to add, well something to our lives! Purpose! Meaning! To feel useful! To feel life means something and isn't just a way station until something else better comes along. (Which is ironic if you think of a Jehovah Witness's Manifesto...)

So what is your purpose in life?
I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours! ^_^

Wednesday 27 July 2011 - GOOD vibrations!

Do you ever wake up with a very happy, warm, jittery feeling like you just know something good is going to happen and you don't know what but you're really, really excited about it anyway? You feel happy, and light and as joyful as Pollyanna on uppers!

Mind I've often had this feeling and nothing particularly MIND BLOWINGLY AWESOME has happened each time. In fact once or twice the day has also even taken a turn for the worse and I've felt most let down by the emotional false advertizing!

It's not ESP or a premonition, I have the psychic abilities of a shy lemon, it's just a good all over feeling that's decided to take charge for the day! I'd blame the bananas I have for breakfast but they're innocent of all charges!
Whatever could cause this?

Well I don't know, not a clue! And today could be good, could be bad, could be one where intensive therapy with anatomically correct dolls is required afterwards!

BUT!!!

I'm going to enjoy this feeling to the fullest for however long it's here for and not bother with all the nitty-gritties until afterwards, if at all ever!

Aaaah I could hug the world!!! (But only if some folk took a bath first, good hygiene is not to be sneezed at!)

Have a BEAUTIFUL DAY!!

Tuesday 26 July 2011 - what I got, I got a lot

If you think about it the average person has so much to be grateful for it's amazing they should whine and complain so much! Which they do! At championship levels!

Instead of being grateful they have a job and work to go to each day, they complain it's not the work they want, or love, or that the hours are too long, the boss is mean, my coworkers can't seem to stand my negative self or that the staff loo only has 1 ply bog rolls!

Instead of being grateful they have a car to drive and the freedom to do so, they whine about traffic and speed cops and petrol prices and how their car isn't as wow as someone else's car which has hideous fins stuck on it and a funny green light underneath that is ugly, but but but, still cool!!!

Instead of being happy they get a salary, they wish it was bigger and fatter and somewhere rivaling the wages god must draw once a month.

Instead of being thrilled they have enough to eat they complain about putting on weight, how the steak is underdone or how ice cream should be calorie free, but give me another serving anyway let's see just how much strain these pant's buttons can take!

Instead of feeling warm emotions that they have friends and family who care about them, they complain that they wish they'd stop phoning all the time, grouch about unexpected visits and forget the name of whatsherface's little brat.

The shelter over our head (Wish the house was bigger), our lovers (they could stand to lose a few pounds), our health (I'm 40 and don't look 20, why is that?) etc etc.

I know the human animal is a complex one, it loves to strive for what it doesn't have, and then let you know in long, voluminous detail, how it's struggle to achieve is going SO BADLY and draining them SO MUCH!!

But every now and then it's also good to have a sit down and take stock of all the things you do have! Your wealth not just in money but in friends, family and healthy living! All these things at your fingertips that you take for granted until the day they're not there and suddenly you realize that maybe, just maybe, you didn't have it so bad after all...

Monday 25 July 2011 - Life's little magics

Aren't home made things the nicest? That pair of socks that's slightly crooked but so warm on your cold, hairy feet? Or a flavourful, home-cooked meal with extra mashed potatoes and things swimming in the gravy best left unmentioned?

Is there anything nicer then knowing that there was effort and love, sweet hopes and desires that went into the making of such things? That they were made with warm feelings and simple joy? You must admit that for all their flaws, there's a little extra magic that goes into all home made goodies!

SO STOP RAGGING ON ABOUT THE BLANKET I'M KNITTING THAT LOOKS MORE LIKE A STARVED SCARF! IT'S HOME MADE DAMMIT!!! MAGICAL!! FULL OF LOVE!!! NEXT PERSON TO TEASE IT GETS A KNITTING NEEDLE SPEARED IN THEIR SOFT AND TENDERS!!!

Thursday 21 July - Glory be!

I don't gamble.
Not because of self righteous views, (though I suspect I have a few to use in case of emergencies), nor religious views (in fact I find the religious enjoy gambling most of all, you gamble, go to church and be forgiven your sins, and still have time to make it back for some late Sunday night bingo), or even because I'm on a limited budget.

I just find it immensely dull!

I was taken to a casino once by an ex. We had a dollop of money to use and go nuts on! It was quiet an exciting thought! I'd never done it before and I figured there'd be tons of games to try my somewhat dodgy luck on! Really I thought it would be most entertaining!!

When we got there I decided no roulette for me, it was just a bit too much like giving away cash free, and no cards because I always lose at blackjack and poker. (Funny whenever I tell people that they immediately suggest a game of strip poker - wonder why...)

So I decided the machines it would be!
(I don't know what they're officially called. Back in my caveman days they were known as "one arm bandits" but they've lost their arms and "many buttoned boredom" is, I'm told not the right name, if the right description.)

Oh because it was boring!!!

All you do is feed your money in, press a button (If it's very thrilling then oh oh, maybe press a second button) and wait...
That's it!
There's no skill, no game, no fun! You win some cash or you lose twice as much.

Oh Nelly hold me down before the excitement bowls me over!

And yet folk do it! They do it for HOURS!! They specifically come to the casino to do just that!

Then you hear stories like, "I won R30 000!"
And I'm like, "My my! What did you do with it and can I swap two R10's for a R20?"
And they're reply?
"Well I won R30 000, but then I lost it again! But I did win it!!"
Um.
Ok.
We'll be sure to erect a plaque in your honour...
Then you find out not only did they lose that cash, but all the cash they came with as well and then they won't give your two R10's back because they want to eat something, anything, STOP BITING MY ARM!!!

I know some people win big. But it's a bit like when people say, "Your uncle Tad had no schoolin' n' he now owns two trailers n' a pig!"
Yes there are success stories but we hear about them because they are not the norm, they are the exception! The exception to the very big rule of YOU LOSE!

Well in the end, if it makes them happy and they don't forget their kids on the stove, well then, to each his own. But if we go then please drop me off at the movies or at the kiddies entertainment land so that my cash at least buys me memories I'm going to want to look back on!

Wednesday 20 July 2011 - Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there was a dashing Prince. Good looking in a mildly inbred way.

One day the Prince decided to go forth from his proud castle out into the world!
He packed his bags with everything he would need, armed himself and leapt upon his mighty white charger! (Well actually he had to get a leg up, he needed a tad bit more exercise then he was getting but the position of prince does require a lot of office work, and he vowed to renew his gym contract the moment he got back.)
Letting forth a resounding yell, the wrought iron gates were opened and off he rode!

The Prince traveled for a long time, through hills and ditches. (Sometimes falling into the ditches when he wasn't looking but since no one else saw, it didn't count.)

Suddenly, turning a convenient corner, into the forest, the Prince came before a mighty dragon!
"Prince!" snorted the dragon, "I knew you'd come!"
"Of course!" yelled our bandy legged hero, "prepare yourself!"

The Prince withdrew his weapon, the sharpest dagger in the land, and with a flourish, cut free the bags that were on either side of his noble, if already bored, steed!

"Over here!" snarled the dragon, as it leapt into a clearing within the trees!
The Prince chased after, understanding that this would be the perfect place! The perfect setting!

With yet another flourish (Royalty like the added glamour), he tossed one of the bags at the dragon, which hit the mighty beast square in the head!

The dragon turned to him, eyes blazing and yelled, "Now why did you do that? Ouch man! I'm going to have a bruise!"

"Sorry!" said the Prince sheepishly, "You know me terrible aim and what what, shall we set up then?"

Working together the Prince and the dragon managed to get their entire picnic set up in next to no time.
"Care for a sausage?" asked the Prince, spearing one of the fat little goodies with his dagger.
"Don't mind if I do! Try the honey bread Highness, it's like, totally to die for!"

And the two spent the rest of the day, eating good food and enjoying each others company.

THE END

Tuesday 19 July 2011 - Spooked

Do you believe in ghosts?

I must say I'm a skeptic myself. I suspect them of being in the same league as Santa, the tooth fairy and large tax pay backs. I do know there are many weird and wonderful things out there, things that can't be explained yet by science or rational logic, like paranormal phenomenon and 80's hair, but I would think that once someone died they'd be much better off getting on with it, going to heaven or Nirvana or hoping a lift on the karmic wheel or going to Valhalla where 90 nubile, hopefully the right gender,virgins await them!
I can't imagine hanging around in spirit form would be all that fun and dandy?

All you could do was basically watch. Watch everyone else get on with their lives doing stuff you could do but can't anymore. Laugh, love, poop, eat bananas (and then have to poop again as the fruit is good fibre), and do everything while you stand around only being sensed by cats and creepy old ladies who can also predict the weather at least 50% of the time spot on!

I think it would be awful lonely.
I mean, even if you're a poltergeist and can toss a few family heirlooms artfully about a room, that's going to lose it's appeal sooner or later. (But not until after you've whisked up a few skirts and rammed cousin Vinny's face into the tomato soup for the 40th time - that's what you get for pulling my hair 56 years ago!!)

And what if there are ghost-busters and they end up catching you and you spend an eternity in a small jar, often being mistaken for a seminal sample? I've lost a lot of good friends that way!

Still a good ghost story is a lot of fun and on a rainy, cold night, and suddenly a lot more believable! I suppose it's nice t have something left that science hasn't explained away all the mystery and magic to?

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go and remove a poltergeist from my underwear draw again! I swear they always seem to accumulate in there!

Saturday 16 Junly 2011 - Imagine...

Imagine if this world was a better place. If people loved each other freely and with deep emotional bonds and kinship to all. Imagine there was no war, no poverty, no disease and no one left wanting. Imagine if humanity worked together for a shared future, a paradise on earth?

Now imagine if the earth was invaded by giant lizard people! Imagine they had huge stun guns and liked to catch people and keep them like livestock and breed them for the table and fancy eating!!!

Well there you go! A nice brain work out for you!
Bill's in the mail.

Friday 15 July 2011 - Don't be a Fuel!

At this rate, with The Strike still on, soon all South Africans are going to have to find a new way to get to work that doesn't involve petrol. Which is a HECK of a lot easier said then done! A big Thank you by the way to the SA laws that allow one small group to hold the entire country hostage in a cute move that would be labeled "terrorism" elsewhere but here is just your average everyday strike, eish!

Anyway I was being proactive and thinking of different ways people could get to work! Like:-

1. If they live in a 10km radius of work they could walk! Get out of bed, put their takkies on and go for a nice stroll in the sunshine. (Or, since it's winter, the blistering cold). Mind I suppose most desk jockeys would collapse less then a kilometer in, but nothing says "take time-off-work" like a small, near fatal heart attack!
Or maybe strap on a pair of roller skates? I'm sure once you get over the broken-teeth option it could be quiet a lot of fun!

2. Take the Gautrain! Annoy all the people who use it already by flooding in and making them have to stand because you're "in my seat!" Well it doesn't have your name on it so...oh wait it does? Who knew a ball pen could write on vinyl?

3. Catch a black taxi. Get to find out if 50 people really can occupy less then 2 meters squared, get up close and personal to your seatmate's armpits and get sweetly serenaded by whatever fouly bad R&B music is DA-DOOFING out the speaker conveniently placed by your head.

4. Car pool with friends or neighbours. This is less crowded then the taxi option but does slam you with the 'awkward silences' bit, once talk of how well you slept, and "my isn't it cold" has been used up. A quick solution is to suddenly become fascinated with staring out the window at all the beautiful scenery going by.(Hey is that man doing what I think he's doing?!)

5. Start cycling to work! This is like walking on fast forward. If you're unfit though you get the same results as walking in Rewind. Though you will develop a stunning set of calf muscles, that people will Ooh and Aah about once they get over your ripe B.O.

6. Get a horse or mule. This is south africa. No one's naive enough to think this will be the last time this happens! Consider it an investment in transportation and lawn fertilization!

Well here's to the strike being over as soon as possible and things returning to, ah, "normal"!
Until then, Happy Creative Thinking Everyone!

thursday 14 July 2011 - Simple Truth

Wednesday 13 July 2011 - like it hate it, still true

"My faith is true because I fan feel it! I'm sure of it!!"

This, I find, is the number one explanation most people have of why their faith is right and everyone else is, quiet obviously, WRONG!!

I do often wonder if they never realize that a Christian has the exact same feeling that his godling is the right one! That a Muslim knows without a shadow of a doubt that his Allah is all gold! That a moon cult will happily give their lives to board the mother ship because their faith, their feelings, their certainty, was undeniable, unshakable!
And other people laugh at their gullibility, before going into religious service to hear about their own faiths that bring about their own certainty, undeniable and unshakeable!

But, they cry, my religion is popular! There are lots of followers, ergo it must be right!
Even if eons ago the worship of gods on the mountains was the most popular and theirs only started from a lucky break, doesn't matter, it has to be true
cause... cause... cause....

I feel it! I have faith! I know it to the pit of my heart and soul!!!
Just like every other member of every other religion.
That's what faith is.
Having faith doesn't make you automatically right, regardless of the feelings in your heart, soul or left elbow.
It makes you faithful to one set of beliefs.

Oh I'm not dissing religion, it's a terribly useful social tool, if not as much now then as before, it's still something not to be toyed with.

I'm more just trying to remind folk that they should keep an open mind and remember that yes, there is a chance you could be wrong, and that therefore you should always try and grow and learn as a person and change your thoughts and beliefs as you do! If you find flaws, don't turn a blind eye, question, explore, ask! Grow yourself so that when you do say, "I am a christian, Buddhist, Jew, etc" you can do so from a platform of openness, honesty and tolerance.

To stagnate, with your life built up only on faith of one belief that wants you to exclude all others, follow blindly and donate generously...
How you waste yourself.

Tuesday 12 July 2011 - Well well

Forget your grandmother's pearls or that deep shade of lipstick.

Forget your Armani Tie or those cufflinks Churchill once wore, maybe.

Forget your favorite sweater, those pants with the knife edge crease or those heels that clack so satisfyingly on marble surfaces.

Forget all that jazz because no one really notices anyway!

If you really want an accessory to capture people's eyes and attention:-
SMILE!!!
If nothing else, it leaves them wondering...

p.s. Though anyone who owns and wears ALL of the above I've written will, of course, leave us all wondering as well...